Little Help?

Most patients who are recovering from a hip fracture spend several weeks in a rehabilitation center after they are released from the hospital. My surgeon recommended that course for me, but I talked my way out of it. I wanted to go home, and I assured the surgeon that I would have plenty of help there. “I have four teenagers at home. They'll take good care of me.”

After a few days, I found myself getting annoyed with my children, who seemed to be living happy free while I was stuck in bed. One evening when we gathered for family prayer, I expressed my disappointment. “I don't feel like you kids are helping me much,” I said. “I thought you would do more.”

There was a brief silence, and Ben asked the sincere question: “Did you ask us to help you?”

I had no sensible answer. “Um, well, I thought about it . . . quite often, really . . .”

Uh-oh. I had fallen into the “Read My Needs” trap. (Also known as Deduce my Deprivation, Predict my Problems, Perceive my Privation, Track my Troubles, Spot my Sorrow, Grasp my Grumbles, Detect my Difficulty, Foresee my Frustration.) It is not reasonable to expect that busy teenagers can anticipate their mother's needs. The problem was not in their unwillingness to help, but in my reluctance to ask.

I don't fully understand why this happens to me, but I do know I'm not alone in my hesitation to appeal for aid. It seems to be a fairly common issue. It happens at work, at church, at school, with friends, with medical personnel, and perhaps most often, with family.

Does any of this ring a bell?

“My husband will just walk past the trash bucket. Can't he see it needs to be taken out?”

Or:

“I'm trying to make dinner with a crying baby in my arms. Someone should come and take the baby!”

Or:

“I can't believe he gave me a weight-loss cookbook for my birthday! Why won't he give me something I want?”

Or:

“Why do I always have to organize family activities? Why is it my job?”

“I shouldn't have to ask. He should see what I need, and just do it!”

Maybe he should. I'm sure some people do. But I have one one of the best, most helpful husbands out there, and he doesn't automatically see what help I need. It took me a while to learn that I had no right to be annoyed or to complain about what wasn't happening if I hadn't asked.

Of course, this is not an issue that affects only women. But based on my experience, it does seem to operate differently in men.

     “Did you get the cornmeal I wanted?”

     “No. I couldn't find it.”

     “Did you ask an employee for help?”

     “No. I looked all over the store. They didn't have any.”

   

   “Are you sure we're going the right way? This looks like a dead end road.”

   “I know how to get there. I think we need to turn left after the school . . .”

    “Do you want to stop and ask somebody for directions?”

    “No, I don't need to. I know how to get there.”

Maybe we feel that asking for help is a sign of weakness. Or maybe we are afraid our request will be rejected or ridiculed. These explanations seem reasonable at first glance, but just writing them down made me see how puny they are.

“You want me to bring you a glass of water? I don't think so! Hey, guess what? Mom wants a drink of water! I know, she's so ridiculous . . .”

“Sure, I know where Waterton Street is. But I'm not going to tell you! Bwah wah ha . . .”

“So, this guy came in – I swear, I'm not making this up – and he asked me which aisle the cornmeal was on! What a wimp!”

These are not very realistic scenarios.

So maybe there's something else keeping us back. You might ask yourself this – do you really need help? Maybe you what you need is attention. Or maybe you are resentful because you feel that you are doing more than others? Are you angry at someone or something, or yourself, and you're looking for a little fight?

 No? Okay, then. Maybe that's just me . . .

*     *     *     *     *     *

We are made to ask for help. We are not meant to live and grow and serve alone. Refusing to ask for help when we need it is not a sign of strength – it is a symptom of pride. If you ask right, you'll almost always get a good response. And when we ask people for help, we help them, by giving them an opportunity to serve, and feel the joy of service.

We should willingly – even cheerfully – ask for help when we need it. We should also be sensitive to the needs of those who cannot or will not ask.

Our unwillingness to ask for help when it is needed can cause problems in relationships, and keep us from feeling the happiness we should have as part of our lives. But when we neglect, for whatever reason, to ask God for His help, we miss out on a tremendous source of promised blessings, and stand in serious jeopardy.

The LDS Bible Dictionary contains this illuminating definition: 

Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant but that are made conditional on our asking for them.

My son Ben, who is serving a full-time mission in Ecuador, recently shared this thought in his weekly letter home.

"That reminds me of an important spiritual truth I've learned recently: With the Lord, we will always get the answers to our questions. But if we never ask questions, how are we supposed to get answers? I learned that study is much more fruitful if you always have a question, because the Lord really loves answering questions (just check out the scriptures)."

Ben is right. The scriptures are chock-full of examples of this principle.

And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. 

                            (Luke 11:9–12)

If thou shalt ask, thou shalt receive revelation upon revelation, knowledge upon knowledge, that thou mayest know the mysteries and peaceable things—that which bringeth joy, that which bringeth life eternal. 

                              (D&C 42:61)

O Lord, thou hast given us a commandment that we must call upon thee, that from thee we may receive according to our desires. 

                       (Ether 3:2)

In the day of my trouble I will call upon thee: for thou wilt answer me.

            (Psalms 86:7)

And again Moses said: I will not cease to call upon God, I have other things to inquire of him:                         (Moses 1:18–20)

Wherefore, now after I have spoken these words, if ye cannot understand them it will be because ye ask not, neither do ye knock; wherefore, ye are not brought into the light, but must perish in the dark.

             (2 Nephi 32:4)

I intreated thy favour with my whole heart: be merciful unto me according to thy word.       (Psalms 119:58)

If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. (James 1:5)

And it came to pass that I did go forth among the Nephites, and did repent of the oath which I had made that I would no more assist them; and they gave me command again of their armies, for they looked upon me as though I could deliver them from their afflictions. But behold, I was without hope, for I knew the judgments of the Lord which should come upon them; for they repented not of their iniquities, but did struggle for their lives without calling upon that Being who created them.                            (Mormon 5:1-2)

As for me, I will call upon God; and the LORD shall save me. Evening, and morning, and at noon, will I pray, and cry aloud: and he shall hear my voice. 

           (Psalms 55:16 – 17)

Wherefore, now after I have spoken these words, if ye cannot understand them it will be because ye ask not, neither do ye knock; wherefore, ye are not brought into the light, but must perish in the dark.

            (2 Nephi 32:4)

Christ healed those who asked for healing, taught those who asked for wisdom, and lifted those who plead for peace.

And as he entered into a certain village, there met him ten men that were lepers, which stood afar off: and they lifted up their voices, and said, Jesus, Master, have mercy on us. And when he saw them, he said unto them, Go shew yourselves unto the priests. And it came to pass, that, as they went, they were cleansed.                                 (Luke 17:12 - 14)

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Those who have the privilege of parenting know that our most fervent need for help is when we are concerned about our children. The scriptural stories where a parent seeks divine help for his child are very moving to me.

And there was a certain nobleman, whose son was sick at Capernaum. When he heard that Jesus was come out of Judæa into Galilee, he went unto him, and besought him that he would come down, and heal his son: for he was at the point of death. The nobleman saith unto him, Sir, come down ere my child die. Jesus saith unto him, Go thy way; thy son liveth. And the man believed the word that Jesus had spoken unto him, and he went his way. And as he was now going down, his servants met him, and told him, saying, Thy son liveth.

               (John 4:46-51)

And, behold, there cometh one of the rulers of the synagogue, Jairus by name; and when he saw him, he fell at his feet, and besought him greatly, saying, My little daughter lieth at the point of death: I pray thee, come and lay thy hands on her, that she may be healed; and she shall live.

             (Mark 5:22-23)

Alma the younger was divinely awakened to his rebellious ways and learned to become a faithful leader and missionary. This miracle happened because of the steadfast prayers of his father.

And now it came to pass that while he was going about to destroy the church of God, for he did go about secretly with the sons of Mosiah seeking to destroy the church, and to lead astray the people of the Lord, contrary to the commandments of God, or even the king—

And as I said unto you, as they were going about rebelling against God, behold, the angel of the Lord appeared unto them; and he descended as it were in a cloud; and he spake as it were with a voice of thunder, which caused the earth to shake upon which they stood;

And again, the angel said: Behold, the Lord hath heard the prayers of his people, and also the prayers of his servant, Alma, who is thy father; for he has prayed with much faith concerning thee that thou mightest be brought to the knowledge of the truth; therefore, for this purpose have I come to convince thee of the power and authority of God, that the prayers of his servants might be answered according to their faith.  (Mosiah 27:8-14)

The Lord loves us. He knows our strengths and our weaknesses. He knows our needs, and he is waiting to pour down blessings upon us. He will heal our damaged bodies, our broken hearts, our shattered souls.

Is it too much to ask?

The Way You Look Tonight

You have probably heard these songs a time or two.

(From The Lady in Red)

The lady in red is dancing with me cheek to cheek
There's nobody here, it's just you and me, it's where I wanna be
Well, I hardly know this beauty by my side
I'll never forget the way you look tonight.

(From The Way You Look Tonight)

You're lovely, with your smile so warm

And your cheeks so soft,

There is nothing for me but to love you,

And the way you look tonight.

Lovely; never, ever change.

Keep that breathless charm.

Won't you please arrange it?

'Cause I love you, just the way you look tonight.

I used to think songs like these were incredibly romantic. I think almost every woman, at some point, wants her man to look at her and say, "Wow! You look amazing!"

But now I know more, and I want more.

Twenty-seven years ago today, I met the man who would become my husband. I was the "lady in red" who caught his eye at a single's ward Valentine's dance. I was twenty; he was twenty-two. We were attracted to each other immediately. Still, we dated for more than a year before we decided to get married.

1987

1988

It was the best decision I've ever made.

1989

If my husband had married me because of "just the way I looked that night", I don't know if he would still be around. Now, if he looks at me and thinks, "Wow, she's amazing," it's not because of my cute face, or my pretty hair, or my nice figure. Time and children and cancer have changed those things. If he thinks I'm amazing now, it's because he sees me as a strong woman; a loyal, devoted wife, a caring and dedicated mother, and a compassionate friend. He sees in me a woman of tenacious faith; a person who tries to stand for truth and righteousness. He has seen me at my worst, and at my best. We have had good times and hard times, and we have come through it all together.

The songs have it wrong. The books have it wrong. The movies have it wrong. Television shows and magazine ads have it wrong.

They don't know anything about romance.

If you want to see real romance, you can go to a cancer treatment center and watch as a man holds his wife's hand, or rubs her feet, while she receives her five-hour chemotherapy treatment.

Or visit a elderly care center and hear an eighty-seven year old man sing love songs to his wife, who can no longer sing back, and may not even recognize him.

Gordon B. Hinckley, who served as President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints from 1995  to 2008, said:

"May I be personal for a moment? I sat at dinner across the table from my wife the other evening. It was fifty-five years ago that we were married in the Salt Lake Temple. The wondrous aura of young womanhood was upon her. She was beautiful, and I was bewitched. Now, for more than half a century, we have walked together through much of storm as well as sunshine. Today neither of us stands as tall as we once did. As I looked at her across the table, I noted a few wrinkles in her face and hands. But are they less beautiful than before? No, in fact, they are more so. Those wrinkles have a beauty of their own, and inherent in their very presence is something that speaks reassuringly of strength and integrity and a love that runs more deeply and quietly than ever before."  (“This I Believe,” BYU 1991-92 Devotional and Fireside Speeches, March 1, 1992, p. 78.)

This, my friends, is romance. This is true love. This is the love we want for our daughters, for our sons, and for ourselves.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Outage Outing

Yesterday afternoon Adam came to me and said, "I think the power's out." I hadn't noticed, but I flipped some switches and he was right: no electricity.

It's been a while since we've had a power outage that lasted more than a few minutes. In fact, if I'm remembering correctly, the last one was over three years ago. It was in the late fall, and when the lights went out in the early afternoon I assumed they'd be back on before dark. But as darkness started to move in quickly, I realized we needed to prepare for the possibility of a cold, dark night.

I gave my children a few assignments: "Gather blankets from downstairs; we'll all sleep upstairs tonight. Someone help me put together some food we can eat while we can still see. Ben, go get my basket of candles and bring them in here."

Ben was thirteen, and incredulous at my request. "Mom," he said. "The power is out. It's starting to get dark. This is no time to worry about how the house smells."

Okay, it's possible I have too many scented candles.


But I digress. Back to yesterday . . .

It was a very hot and humid day, and without our swamp cooler and fans the house quickly became suffocating. I stepped outside to find that it was even less bearable there. All the drivers in the family were gone. We had no television or computers to distract us, and our phone wasn't working. The sun was setting, and it was getting hard even to read. My plans to do some laundry, make dinner, and write a little were shot.

I finally found a cell phone and asked my daughter to text her dad at work. Power's out, she wrote. Call this phone. I realized that with my hearing loss, I probably wouldn't hear the phone if he called it, so I sat down on the couch, tucked the cell phone just under my leg, and tried to wait patiently.

And then the couch started shaking.

I was near panic. What's going on here? I thought. The power's off and now we're having an earthquake!"

I'm sure that some of you have guessed that the phone I was sitting on was set to vibrate. When I finally figured that out, I had the privilege of spending several fumbling seconds trying to figure out how to answer the phone. But eventually I hit some random button and the phone stopped shaking. Hurray! I could make human contact!

I told my dear Wes how miserable we were. "Okay," he said, "I'll come home and rescue you."

And he did. Fifteen minutes later we were sitting in an air-conditioned van on our way to a pizza restaurant. Peace and comfort had been restored.

At the pizzeria, we made the uncharacteristic choice to splurge a bit. (Since eating out with our family is an uncharacteristic splurge in itself, it didn't seem quite so weird to continue the madness.)

We ordered a something that this restaurant offers mostly as a novelty: the 36-inch pizza.

It's a lot of pizza. It completely covered the table, so we put our plates on our laps. And there's a contest connected to this monstrosity: if two people can finish it off in an hour, they win a prize. (And the prize is: lots more pizza! And maybe barf bags, I don't know . . .) We didn't eat it all, but we put quite a big dent in it. And we laughed and talked and shared.

It was still hot outside when we left the restaurant, and we didn't know if our power was back on, so we went to the library to check out some books and movies and to enjoy their air conditioning, When the library closed at nine, we decided to go home.

The road was dark. No street lights, no house lights, no porch lights. We saw our neighbors sitting outside, waving paper fans across their faces. Clearly, the electricity was still off.

We pulled into our dark garage and began to feel our way into the house. Adam got there first and opened the door. Then, just as he stepped inside, the kitchen lit up. It was like magic.

And now we can return to our distraction-filled, speedily-moving electronic lives, with perhaps a little more appreciation for the electricity that makes it possible.

As we got ready for bed, I mentioned to Wes that I was getting frustrated with my computer, which we bought used last year. I haven't wanted to complain about it, because, while we always have enough money to get along, we don't usually have of lot left over for luxuries. But, I told him, the computer is becoming increasingly unstable and unreliable, and I haven't felt like I can get anything done on it.

We realized as we talked that we had just spent twice as much money on pizza as we spent to buy the computer. (It was a twenty-five dollar computer.)

"That's okay," I said."We weren't really buying pizza."

He nodded and we smiled. Nothing more needed to be said. We both knew that we were buying memories.

And here I sit, typing up the whole story on my sad little computer, which has been on for two hours now and is still running happily.  So I can still find reasons to believe in little miracles.

And hey, if anyone out there wants leftover pizza, there's some in my refrigerator.

Twenty-five and Counting

During the past week, I have learned (relearned, really) to crochet and made three crocheted scrubbies to give as gifts; traveled several hours to visit my in-laws for Mother's Day; watched my son Adam run in the "Wellsville Mile"; woke up very early to attend the "Breakfast of Champions," where Elisabeth was honored for her academic achievements; went to the local junior high school to see my son Joseph perform the role of The Baker in the musical Into the Woods; made and served three different pies to the cast of a local Shakespeare Company (which includes my daughter Elisabeth); become the grandmother of a baby rabbit named Pancake; gone to the Cancer Center to receive a treatment; laughed hard as I watched my sons Danny and Ben perform in the comedy improv troupe Horsing Around; attended Joseph's guitar concert; got all dressed up and attended the high school academy awards ceremony (during which Danny and Ben received many awards); and prepared gifts and a cake for my daughter Hannah's birthday.

Somewhere in there, my husband and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary.

Wes and I were married on May 13th, 1988, in the Salt Lake City LDS Temple. We were poor college students, and looking back I can see that we were a bit foolish and naive. But we were deeply in love.

And we still are.


There is no question that I married the right man at the right time and in the right place. We have had our ups and downs: we've struggled with parenting, finances, and my health. Neither of us is perfect, but we make a great team.


This is for you, Wes:

To My Husband, Who is Well
So long we've been together, love,
My faithful Valentine,
That now at night I lie beside you
And your heart beats with mine.

And it seems to me it's your pure heart
That pumps blood through my veins,
And I believe it's your strong will
That bears my deepest pains.

And when I stretch my fingers out
To lay upon your chest,
I feel quite sure that your clear lungs
Fill my weak lungs with breath.

So here's what I have learned, my sweet,
In my struggle to survive,
Your strength overcomes my weakness,
And your love keeps me alive.

The doctors say I won't last long
But there's something they don't know:
As long as you are here beside me
I'll never, ever go.

Taking Time for Teeth

The other day I stood in front of the bathroom mirror and gave my teeth a little lecture. I’ll spare you the details, but the main theme was, “Honestly, you guys are an awful lot of trouble.”

If we didn’t have teeth – if there were no such thing – and someone invented them, and tried to market them to the general population, I expect the company would be out of business very soon.  I just do not believe they would be a big seller.

It’s not that teeth don’t have any benefits. On the whole, I think they are an excellent idea, and they come in useful on many occasions, such as when you have something to bite. No, it’s the maintenance on teeth that would make them hard to sell.

Tooth salesman: “Well, you’re going to need to clean them at least twice a day; better yet, every time you use them. You’ll have to buy these special brushes – you’ll need a new one every couple months or so – and this special cleaning paste.  And there’s a special string – this floss here – that you need to use to scrape between each little tooth.  Oh, and you need to take the teeth themselves into a repair specialist twice a year to be checked out. That’ll cost you. It’s usually only moderately painful, though. Really.”

Prospective customer: “Um, uh.  I’m not so sure . . . you know, this liquid diet isn’t so bad . . .”

For me, and I suspect, for most people, there is no piece of art, no furniture, no vehicle or appliance on earth that has so much appeal that I would buy it if it required that kind of upkeep.

And yet we all have teeth. And, for the most part, we invest that kind of care into them. Why?  Because we have been told, from the time we were preschoolers, that we must spend a few minutes every day taking care of our teeth or they will cause us great pain and we may eventually lose them completely. So we brush, and maybe even floss, and we use fluoride, and we visit the dentist, because we really are rather attached to our teeth.

So I’ve been thinking: maybe that level of maintenance makes sense when it’s for things that we expect to last a good while. In our low-maintenance, disposable-goods world, it is worth remembering that there are a few things that are designed to hold up for the long haul. One of those is teeth. Another is marriage.

A few minutes of relaxed conversation, a kiss, and some words of love are the marriage equivalent of tooth brushing. Is it asking too much for us to make a habit of it a couple of times a day? When a problem seems stuck in our relationships, are we willing to floss it out before it does painful damage? A sincere apology is better than a toothpick for getting rid of decay-causing gunk. How about getting out for a checkup occasionally? Even pretty serious damage can be repaired, if you are willing to do what it takes. If it’s worth it for your pearly whites, isn’t it worth it for your most important relationship?


I once saw a sign in a dentist’s office that said, “Ignore your teeth and they’ll go away.”  Change the word ‘teeth’ to ‘spouse’, and it would still be true. Marriages that are neglected get rotten and stinky.

So, here’s some advice from someone who has done her share of apologizing, but wishes she’d started flossing earlier: take care of your teeth, take care of your marriage. That may be the real secret to a healthy smile.

Can It Really Be?

Is it possible that winter is finally ending?

I don't want to get my hopes up, because I've lived in this cold northern valley long enough to know that as soon as I put the coats and boots and sweaters and heavy blankets away and reach for the short-sleeved t-shirts, the weather fairies will turn on me and dump more snow in my yard. But still, it has to end sometime. Right? Right?

I do love the beauties of spring. Not everyone at my house shares my opinion, though:

Approaching Spring

She said, "Soon there'll be no snow,

The icy winds will cease to blow.

And mountain streams resume their flow

To fill our ditches here below.

Then flowers will begin to grow,

And trees their scented blossoms show,

As the bright sun warms us with its glow.

And oh, the places I will go,

And oh, what happiness I'll know!

He said, "Snow will soon be gone,

And then, I'll have to mow the lawn."