On Giving and Receiving

When I met my husband Wes, we were both poor college students. (We must have been pretty good at it, because we spent the next eight years being poor college students.) We became a poor married student couple, and eventually a poor college student family of five. We lived simply and frugally, and enjoyed simple activities that cost little or nothing.

The zoo was free on Monday, so that's when we went

The nearby library had a weekly story time

Feeding ducks at the park was a favorite activity

Sam hunting for Easter eggs

Sam and Hannah enjoying Homemade fruit pops

Using cloth diapers helped us save money

And so did home haircuts

Our children were young, and they didn't realize that we were living below the poverty line. Wes and I sometimes missed the little luxuries (eating out, buying new clothes) but we loved watching our children grow and were glad we could follow the counsel of prophets to live within our means and stay out of debt.

Every year as Christmas approached, we would find unexpected gifts and blessings – a Christmas tree mysteriously showed up on the front porch, or a basket of festive food appeared, or we found wrapped presents for our children.

One year, I attended a Christmas get-together with other people who had been called to serve in the Primary in our ward. For one of the activities, we sat in a circle and shared favorite Christmas memories. As people began sharing their thoughts, I noticed that most of the reminiscences involved an act of service – a memorable time they they and their family had been able to help another family. As we moved around the circle, I began to feel a little sad. We hadn't been able to help another family at Christmas. We were always the ones that needed help,

Then one woman said this: “We've helped, and we've received help. And the spirit is the same.”

This idea struck me. I thought about it a lot. For the the first time, I wondered, Is it as blessed to receive as it is to give?

                                   

Eventually, when Wes finished school and got a job, we were delighted to buy our first house. We still lived frugally – our family now included five children, and our house needed some work. But we were able to meet our needs and put some money aside for emergencies.

One winter, we had an unexpected series of difficulties – both of our cars broke down and needed expensive repairs, and our furnace was condemned by the gas company, which meant we we had to buy a new one. All these things happened over the course a of a week.

We were grateful that our emergency savings covered these expenses, but we were left with very little money to spare. As Christmas drew near, Wes and I decided we would have a very simple Christmas, with a few inexpensive gifts for the children, but that we would not buy a gift for each other.

Then our bishop knocked on the door one day and said that he had been given some money to share with a family in need for Christmas. I told him that we were fine, that we were experiencing a temporary setback, and we didn't need the money. He urged me to accept the gift, but again I refused. He asked me think about it, and consider changing my mind.

The next day, I came across this scripture:

Have ye forgotten the commandments of the Lord your God? Yea, have ye forgotten the captivity of our fathers? Have ye forgotten the many times we have been delivered out of the hands of our enemies? 

Or do ye suppose that the Lord will still deliver us, while we sit upon our thrones and do not make use of the means which the Lord has provided for us? (Alma 60:20 – 21)

I wrote a note to the bishop, telling him that we had decided to get off our throne. Christmas was  brighter that year because we did.

I have heard good people say that they are always glad to serve and give, but they find it difficult to receive service that is offered them. This is not an uncommon feeling, I suppose. But I see two problems with this attitude.

First, this is rooted in pride. It's saying that I don't need anyone else – that we can handle anything that comes our way alone. While I am a fan of self-reliance, there are times in every life when we can't do it alone. As King Benjamin reminds us, we are all beggars. We all depend on God to provide us food and clothing and shelter. And God usually works through other people. 

Second, and perhaps more obviously, if no one accepts our service, we will be unable to serve.       

     

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Some thoughts from others who are wiser and more eloquent that I am: 

“Giving feels fantastic and for there to be a Giver, there must be a Receiver, so allowing yourself to receive is an act of love.” ― Rebecca O’Dwyer

“And there’s also ‘To him that hath shall be given.’ After all, you must have a capacity to receive, or even omnipotence can’t give. Perhaps your own passion temporarily destroys the capacity.”

― C.S. Lewis

“Gracious acceptance is an art - an art which most never bother to cultivate. We think that we have to learn how to give, but we forget about accepting things, which can be much harder than giving.... Accepting another person's gift is allowing him to express his feelings for you.”

― Alexander McCall Smith

“Until we can receive with an open heart, we're never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help.”

― Brené Brown

   

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Christ, who sets the example in all things, showed us how to receive gifts:

Now when Jesus was in Bethany, in the house of Simon the leper, there came unto him a woman having an alabaster box of very precious ointment, and poured it on his head, as he sat at meat.

But when his disciples saw it, they had indignation, saying, To what purpose is this waste? For this ointment might have been sold for much, and given to the poor.

When Jesus understood it, he said unto them, Why trouble ye the woman? for she hath wrought a good work upon me.

For ye have the poor always with you; but me ye have not always. (Matthew 26:6 – 13) 

If we cannot receive gifts at Christmas, how can we receive the greatest gift of all? The Savior's birth and perfect life?

For what doth it profit a man if a gift is bestowed upon him, and he receive not the gift?  Behold, he rejoices not in that which is given unto him, neither rejoices in him who is the giver of the gift. (Doctrine and Covenants 88:33)

If we cannot ask for help when we need it, how can we plead to our Father for His mercy and comfort?

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. (Matthew 11:28)

Rest for the weary, water for those who thirst, healing for those who ache, comfort for those who grieve – and eternal live for those who consistently come to Him with a broken heart. He paid a very heavy price so that He could offer us these precious things – gifts of immeasurable, even infinite value.

And His hands are stretched out still!

How silently, how silently

The wondrous gift is given!

So God imparts to human hearts

The blessings of His heaven.

No ear may hear His coming;

But in this world of sin,

Where meek souls will receive Him, still

The dear Christ enters in.

Remember Christ our Savior
Was born on Christmas Day
To Save us all from Satan''s Grasp
When we have gone astray.
Oh! Tidings of Comfort and Joy! 

Press forward, feasting on the word of Christ.

Receive his name, rejoicing in his might.

Come unto God; find everlasting light

Hallelujah! Hallelujah!

For unto us a child is given . . . Let earth receive her King!

Hallelujah!

Merry Christmas to all!

Act Your Age

I was sitting in the backseat of the car with my two younger sisters and my little brother. We were happily licking the ice cream cones our parents had treated us to at our visit to Baskin-Robbins. I was nine, and I would start fourth grade the next day.

This year's back-to-school was a bigger event for me than usual, because as a fourth-grader, I would be allowed to play on the “big kid's” side of the playground. The school playground was divided by a stripe of white paint, and first, second, and third graders were strictly prohibited from crossing the line. (Kindergartners had their own little playground, but of course we didn't want to play there.)

But the Big Kid playground! Many a third-grader had stood at recess with their toes just almost touching the painted line. We watched with envy and awe, knowing that our time would come.

My parents were in the front, and my mother turned to my father and said, with a touch of nostalgia, “Can you believe we have a child old enough to be in 4^th grade?”

When I heard my mother say those words, I realized something I had never before considered: “My parents don't know they're old!”

How could this be? They were so obviously old-timers! How could this not be in their sphere of awareness?

(Actually, they were not that old. My mother was 29, and my father 33. But they were big, and could drive, and paid bills, and had kids. In my mind, they were practically fossils.)

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Nine years later:

I was a freshman in college, and I was driving home from school. It was a particularly nice fall day, and I was so charmed by the weather that when I passed a park, I succumbed to an urge to stop and swing on the swingset. The park was deserted, so I hopped on the swing and pumped until I was really swinging, enjoying the air on my face, the feeling of flying above the ground.

I don't know how long the little girl had been there before I saw her. She was standing a few feet away, in front of me, with a displeased look on her face. I slowed down and said hello.

She made no attempt to hide her disdain. “A grown-up,” she sneered, “playing on the swings?”

Oh. Well, I could see the problem. It was just a little misunderstanding, and I could clear it right up. “I'm not a grown-up,” I explained, confident that she would quickly realize her error, and stop looking aghast.

Not so. She shook her head and said, “Yes, you are.”

“I'm not!”

She considered for a second, and then asked, “Can you drive a car?”

Oooh, good one. I had to confess that I could indeed drive. But I had a quick counter: “I'm not married.” I felt rather smug when I saw a bit of her confidence slip. But not for long.

“Do you have a job?” she asked.

“Yes. Well, kind of. I go to school every day, just like you do.”

She must have sensed my hesitation. “You are a grown-up.”

With that, she turned her back to me and walked away, leaving me sitting motionless on the swing, wondering.

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Seven years later:

I took my restless baby out to the church foyer. I saw a friend there, and I sat down beside her on the floor, leaning against the wall. We talked briefly, but soon she needed to get up and change her baby's diaper. I told her I would keep an eye on her two-year-old daughter.

The little girl moved over to her mother's bag, and pulled a banana out. She toddled over to me, handed me the banana, and said, “Open it?”

I didn't know if her mom wanted her to eat the banana, so I stalled for time, pretending that I couldn't do the job. She looked at me with some concern as my feeble attempts continued. Her mother came back after a minute, and I caught her eye. She nodded, signaling that I could peel the banana.

I said, “I'll try again,” and with a show of determined effort, I cracked the top of the banana peel. I handed it to my little friend, and she gave me an encouraging nod. “Big girl,” she said, praising my accomplishment, and gave me a pat on the head before she walked away.

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A little girl was visiting her grandmother, and after they had enjoyed some time together, the child asked, “Grandma, how old are you?”

Grandma, rather coyly, said, “I don't remember.”

Her little granddaughter had a helpful suggestion. “If you don't remember how old you are, you can look at your underwear. Mine says four.”

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Does anyone really know what age means? 

Of course, technically, it's the length of time that a person has lived; the space between birth and now. That seems manageable. (Especially if you are good at math.)

Maybe one reason this question has been in my mind recently is that in a few months, I will hit a notable age; one that is, I'll just say, an even number easily divisible into 100. (And I'm not turning 10).

But one thing that life – and raising seven children – has taught me is that people age differently. Still, this seems too simple. There must something else.

There is a old saying that reads “You are only as old as you think you are.” If that's true, I have no idea how old I am. Sometimes I feel really, really old (and look really old) but a lot of the time I feel like a goofy little kid, and I wonder why anyone thinks I might be in charge of something.

And then one of my children will say something so wise, or do something so mature, that I am stunned to think that I am the parent here. And I remember this truth: this child has a spirit as ageless and eternal as mine. We are mother and child, but we are also sister and brother. This is same relationship status applies to my mother, my grandmother, and my neighbor.

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"Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. We grow old by deserting our ideals. Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul." ― (Samuel Ullman)

“Age has no reality except in the physical world. The essence of a human being is resistant to the passage of time. Our inner lives are eternal, which is to say that our spirits remain as youthful and vigorous as when we were in full bloom. Think of love as a state of grace, not the means to anything, but the alpha and omega. An end in itself.” ― (Gabriel Garcí­a Márquez, Love in the Time of Cholera)

"Whatever our age, capacity, Church calling, or location, we are as one called to the work to help Him in His harvest of souls until He comes again." ― (President Henry B. Eyring)

And Elihu the son of Barachel the Buzite answered and said, I am young, and ye are very old; wherefore I was afraid, and durst not shew you mine opinion. I said, Days should speak, and multitude of years should teach wisdom. But there is a spirit in man: and the inspiration of the Almighty giveth them understanding. Great men are not always wise: neither do the aged understand judgment. ― (Job 32:6 - 9)

“Everything in our life happens as though we entered upon it with a load of obligations contracted in a previous existence … obligations whose sanction is not of this present life, [which] seem to belong to a different world, founded on kindness, scruples, sacrifice, a world entirely different from this one, a world whence we emerge to be born on this earth, before returning thither.” ― (As quoted by Elder Neil A. Maxwell)

Maybe if I could see this more clearly more of the time, I would treat people differently. Maybe I would see both the innocence of childhood and the wisdom of years in the eyes of one person.

"Oh, to be 70 again!" 

Marjorie Pay Hinckley 

Inconceivable!

I love flash mobs. From the moment I first saw one online, I was smitten.

Of course, some of this fondness stems from my great love for music, but that's not the only reason for my affection. Mostly, it's the idea that in a random place, at a random time, a crowd of random people can suddenly show itself to be not random at all, but a carefully planned and structured assembly where strangers express and spread joy with their musical gifts – without expecting anything in return but that joy that comes from sharing it.

It kind of restores my faith in the goodness of the world at a time when we are seeing so much news about the badness of the world.

Everyone knows what a flash mob is, but I thought it would be interesting to get a educated definition.

Flash mob: a group of people summoned to a designated location at a specified time to perform an unusual act for a brief time before quickly dispersing. Also called an inexplicable mob.

That got me thinking: By that definition, the events following the birth of Christ are something of a flash mob.

And she brought forth her firstborn son, and wrapped him in swaddling clothes,

and laid him in a manger;  because there was no room for them in the inn. 

People were summoned – first, shepherds:

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.

And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid.  And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. 

For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Saviour, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.

Then, Wise Men:

Now when Jesus was born in Bethlehem of Judæa in the days of Herod the king, behold, there came wise men from the east to Jerusalem, saying, Where is he that is born King of the Jews? for we have seen his star in the east, and are come to worship him . . . 

And they came.

The Shepherds came: And it came to pass, as the angels were gone away from them into heaven, the shepherds said one to another, Let us now go even unto Bethlehem, and see this thing which is come to pass, which the Lord hath made known unto us. And they came with haste, and found Mary, and Joseph, and the babe lying in a manger. (Luke 2:7 - 17)

The Wise Men came: And, lo, the star, which they saw in the east, went before them, till it came and stood over where the young child was. When they saw the star, they rejoiced with exceeding great joy.

Gifts were shared.

And when they were come into the house, they saw the young child with Mary his mother, and fell down, and worshiped him: and when they had opened their treasures, they presented unto him gifts; gold, and frankincense, and myrrh. (Matthew 2:1 - 11)

And there was music.

And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.

There will always be music at God's great events, because that is one of the ways He communicates His joy.

Sing, O heavens; and be joyful, O earth; and break forth into singing, O mountains: for the LORD hath comforted his people, and will have mercy upon his afflicted. (Isaiah 49:13) 

So shall my word be that goeth forth out of my mouth: it shall not return unto me void, but it shall accomplish that which I please, and it shall prosper in the thing whereto I sent it. For ye shall go out with joy, and be led forth with peace: the mountains and the hills shall break forth before you into singing, and all the trees of the field shall clap their hands. (Isaiah 55:11 – 12) 

Break forth into joy, sing together, ye waste places of Jerusalem; for the Lord hath comforted his people, he hath redeemed Jerusalem. (Mosiah 15:30)

And it is one of the ways we can show our love and gratitude to Him.

I will sing unto the LORD, because he hath dealt bountifully with me. (Psalms 13:6)

For my soul delighteth in the song of the heart; yea, the song of the righteous is a prayer unto me, and it shall be answered with a blessing upon their heads. (D&C 25:12)

If thou art merry, praise the Lord with singing, with music, with dancing, and with a prayer of praise and thanksgiving. (D&C 136:28)

Yea, Lord, thy watchmen shall lift up their voice; with the voice together shall they sing; for they shall see eye to eye, when the Lord shall bring again Zion. (Isaiah 52:8)

These occurrences – the  birth of a baby whose coming had been prophesied for centuries and who would change the fate of all mankind; the appearance and voices of angels; a new, uncharted star –  were certainly inconceivable  – unexplainable by the logic of the world. The works of God are often inexplicable to mankind.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8 - 9)

And without controversy great is the mystery of godliness: God was manifest in the flesh, justified in the Spirit, seen of angels, preached unto the Gentiles, believed on in the world, received up into glory. (1 Timothy 3:16)

Behold, great and marvelous are the works of the Lord. How unsearchable are the depths of the mysteries of him; and it is impossible that man should find out all his ways. (Jacob 4:8)

. . . There are many mysteries which are kept, that no one knoweth them save God himself . . . (Alma 40:3)

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While I am enthralled by flash mobs of all kinds, my favorites are about Christmas, and the birth of our divine Savior and Redeemer. I'm sharing one I love – for all the reasons I've already given, and because in this one there is a moment here that gets me every time:

(You can watch the whole thing (it's really not a bad use of five-and-a-half minutes) or you can watch the last song, which begins at 3:03. The moment that steals my heart starts at 4:26.)

I am moved by the awe that boy sees in the representation of the baby Jesus. He is so struck by the holiness of the symbol that he drops to his knees – and others, perhaps older and 'wiser', follow.

The cynic might say that this was planned and rehearsed; that this young man was just doing what he had been told to do many times. And that might be true.

But I choose to believe otherwise. I choose to believe that in that moment those people felt the power of holiness, sacredness – and reverence.

Reverence is something we may not think about much, once we grow from wiggly children into self-disciplined adults. But maybe we should.

Reverence is a deep respect for sacred things; a feeling of awe and wonder. Paul Woodruff, a professor of humanities at the University of Texas at Austin, expressed these feelings on the subject of reverence:

Reverence begins in a deep understanding of human limitations; from this grows the capacity to be in awe of whatever we believe lies outside our control—God, truth, justice, nature, even death. The capacity for awe, as it grows, brings with it the capacity for respecting fellow human beings, flaws and all.¹

The scriptures give us a bit more insight into the actions of reverence:

And thus we saw the glory of the celestial, which excels in all things—where God, even the Father, reigns upon his throne forever and ever; Before whose throne all things bow in humble reverence, and give him glory forever and ever. (D&C 76:92 - 93)

And it came to pass that he stretched forth his hand and spake unto the people, saying:
Behold, I am Jesus Christ, whom the prophets testified shall come into the world. And behold, I am the light and the life of the world; and I have drunk out of that bitter cup which the Father hath given me, and have glorified the Father in taking upon me the sins of the world, in the which I have suffered the will of the Father in all things from the beginning. 

And it came to pass that when Jesus had spoken these words the whole multitude fell to the earth; And when they had all gone forth and had witnessed for themselves, they did cry out with one accord, saying: Hosanna!  Blessed be the name of the Most High God! And they did fall down at the feet of Jesus, and did worship him (3 Nephi 11:16 - 17).

For it is written, As I live, saith the Lord, every knee shall bow to me, and every tongue shall confess to God. (Romans 14:11) 

Reverence is a sense of awe that can send us to our knees and leave us stunned. It comes when we truly consider that Jesus Christ was born, that He lived a perfect life, that His willingness to bear the inconceivable burdens of the Atonement can free us from guilt and sin, and that by laying down His life for us, He conquered death. This is the message of truth that can send us to our knees.

A beautiful hymn expresses some of that feeling for me:

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me,

Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me.

I tremble to know that for me he was crucified,

That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died.

Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me

Enough to die for me!

Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!

I marvel that he would descend from his throne divine

To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine,

That he should extend his great love unto such as I,

Sufficient to own, to redeem, and to justify.

I think of his hands pierced and bleeding to pay the debt!

Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?

No, no, I will praise and adore at the mercy seat,

Until at the glorified throne I kneel at his feet.

Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!²

To stand all amazed, and then to fall to your knees – that sounds like good exercise for the soul. I think I'll try to make a daily habit of it. ☺


Merry Christmas!

¹Paul Woodruff, Reverence: Renewing a Forgotten Virtue (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2001), 3.

²I Stand All Amazed, Text and music by Charles H. Gabriel, 1856-1932