Little Help?

Most patients who are recovering from a hip fracture spend several weeks in a rehabilitation center after they are released from the hospital. My surgeon recommended that course for me, but I talked my way out of it. I wanted to go home, and I assured the surgeon that I would have plenty of help there. “I have four teenagers at home. They'll take good care of me.”

After a few days, I found myself getting annoyed with my children, who seemed to be living happy free while I was stuck in bed. One evening when we gathered for family prayer, I expressed my disappointment. “I don't feel like you kids are helping me much,” I said. “I thought you would do more.”

There was a brief silence, and Ben asked the sincere question: “Did you ask us to help you?”

I had no sensible answer. “Um, well, I thought about it . . . quite often, really . . .”

Uh-oh. I had fallen into the “Read My Needs” trap. (Also known as Deduce my Deprivation, Predict my Problems, Perceive my Privation, Track my Troubles, Spot my Sorrow, Grasp my Grumbles, Detect my Difficulty, Foresee my Frustration.) It is not reasonable to expect that busy teenagers can anticipate their mother's needs. The problem was not in their unwillingness to help, but in my reluctance to ask.

I don't fully understand why this happens to me, but I do know I'm not alone in my hesitation to appeal for aid. It seems to be a fairly common issue. It happens at work, at church, at school, with friends, with medical personnel, and perhaps most often, with family.

Does any of this ring a bell?

“My husband will just walk past the trash bucket. Can't he see it needs to be taken out?”

Or:

“I'm trying to make dinner with a crying baby in my arms. Someone should come and take the baby!”

Or:

“I can't believe he gave me a weight-loss cookbook for my birthday! Why won't he give me something I want?”

Or:

“Why do I always have to organize family activities? Why is it my job?”

“I shouldn't have to ask. He should see what I need, and just do it!”

Maybe he should. I'm sure some people do. But I have one one of the best, most helpful husbands out there, and he doesn't automatically see what help I need. It took me a while to learn that I had no right to be annoyed or to complain about what wasn't happening if I hadn't asked.

Of course, this is not an issue that affects only women. But based on my experience, it does seem to operate differently in men.

     “Did you get the cornmeal I wanted?”

     “No. I couldn't find it.”

     “Did you ask an employee for help?”

     “No. I looked all over the store. They didn't have any.”

   

   “Are you sure we're going the right way? This looks like a dead end road.”

   “I know how to get there. I think we need to turn left after the school . . .”

    “Do you want to stop and ask somebody for directions?”

    “No, I don't need to. I know how to get there.”

Maybe we feel that asking for help is a sign of weakness. Or maybe we are afraid our request will be rejected or ridiculed. These explanations seem reasonable at first glance, but just writing them down made me see how puny they are.

“You want me to bring you a glass of water? I don't think so! Hey, guess what? Mom wants a drink of water! I know, she's so ridiculous . . .”

“Sure, I know where Waterton Street is. But I'm not going to tell you! Bwah wah ha . . .”

“So, this guy came in – I swear, I'm not making this up – and he asked me which aisle the cornmeal was on! What a wimp!”

These are not very realistic scenarios.

So maybe there's something else keeping us back. You might ask yourself this – do you really need help? Maybe you what you need is attention. Or maybe you are resentful because you feel that you are doing more than others? Are you angry at someone or something, or yourself, and you're looking for a little fight?

 No? Okay, then. Maybe that's just me . . .

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We are made to ask for help. We are not meant to live and grow and serve alone. Refusing to ask for help when we need it is not a sign of strength – it is a symptom of pride. If you ask right, you'll almost always get a good response. And when we ask people for help, we help them, by giving them an opportunity to serve, and feel the joy of service.

We should willingly – even cheerfully – ask for help when we need it. We should also be sensitive to the needs of those who cannot or will not ask.

Our unwillingness to ask for help when it is needed can cause problems in relationships, and keep us from feeling the happiness we should have as part of our lives. But when we neglect, for whatever reason, to ask God for His help, we miss out on a tremendous source of promised blessings, and stand in serious jeopardy.

The LDS Bible Dictionary contains this illuminating definition: 

Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God but to secure for ourselves and for others blessings that God is already willing to grant but that are made conditional on our asking for them.

My son Ben, who is serving a full-time mission in Ecuador, recently shared this thought in his weekly letter home.

"That reminds me of an important spiritual truth I've learned recently: With the Lord, we will always get the answers to our questions. But if we never ask questions, how are we supposed to get answers? I learned that study is much more fruitful if you always have a question, because the Lord really loves answering questions (just check out the scriptures)."

Ben is right. The scriptures are chock-full of examples of this principle.

And I say unto you, Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you. For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened. 

                            (Luke 11:9–12)

If thou shalt ask, thou shalt receive revelation upon revelation, knowledge upon knowledge, that thou mayest know the mysteries and peaceable things—that which bringeth joy, that which bringeth life eternal. 

                              (D&C 42:61)

O Lord, thou hast given us a commandment that we must call upon thee, that from thee we may receive according to our desires. 

                       (Ether 3:2)

In the day of my trouble I will call upon thee: for thou wilt answer me.

            (Psalms 86:7)

And again Moses said: I will not cease to call upon God, I have other things to inquire of him:                         (Moses 1:18–20)

Wherefore, now after I have spoken these words, if ye cannot understand them it will be because ye ask not, neither do ye knock; wherefore, ye are not brought into the light, but must perish in the dark.

             (2 Nephi 32:4)

I intreated thy favour with my whole heart: be merciful unto me according to thy word.       (Psalms 119:58)

If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. (James 1:5)

And it came to pass that I did go forth among the Nephites, and did repent of the oath which I had made that I would no more assist them; and they gave me command again of their armies, for they looked upon me as though I could deliver them from their afflictions. But behold, I was without hope, for I knew the judgments of the Lord which should come upon them; for they repented not of their iniquities, but did struggle for their lives without calling upon that Being who created them.                            (Mormon 5:1-2)

As for me, I will call upon God; and the LORD shall save me. Evening, and morning, and at noon, will I pray, and cry aloud: and he shall hear my voice. 

           (Psalms 55:16 – 17)

Wherefore, now after I have spoken these words, if ye cannot understand them it will be because ye ask not, neither do ye knock; wherefore, ye are not brought into the light, but must perish in the dark.

            (2 Nephi 32:4)

Christ healed those who asked for healing, taught those who asked for wisdom, and lifted those who plead for peace.

And as he entered into a certain village, there met him ten men that were lepers, which stood afar off: and they lifted up their voices, and said, Jesus, Master, have mercy on us. And when he saw them, he said unto them, Go shew yourselves unto the priests. And it came to pass, that, as they went, they were cleansed.                                 (Luke 17:12 - 14)

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Those who have the privilege of parenting know that our most fervent need for help is when we are concerned about our children. The scriptural stories where a parent seeks divine help for his child are very moving to me.

And there was a certain nobleman, whose son was sick at Capernaum. When he heard that Jesus was come out of Judæa into Galilee, he went unto him, and besought him that he would come down, and heal his son: for he was at the point of death. The nobleman saith unto him, Sir, come down ere my child die. Jesus saith unto him, Go thy way; thy son liveth. And the man believed the word that Jesus had spoken unto him, and he went his way. And as he was now going down, his servants met him, and told him, saying, Thy son liveth.

               (John 4:46-51)

And, behold, there cometh one of the rulers of the synagogue, Jairus by name; and when he saw him, he fell at his feet, and besought him greatly, saying, My little daughter lieth at the point of death: I pray thee, come and lay thy hands on her, that she may be healed; and she shall live.

             (Mark 5:22-23)

Alma the younger was divinely awakened to his rebellious ways and learned to become a faithful leader and missionary. This miracle happened because of the steadfast prayers of his father.

And now it came to pass that while he was going about to destroy the church of God, for he did go about secretly with the sons of Mosiah seeking to destroy the church, and to lead astray the people of the Lord, contrary to the commandments of God, or even the king—

And as I said unto you, as they were going about rebelling against God, behold, the angel of the Lord appeared unto them; and he descended as it were in a cloud; and he spake as it were with a voice of thunder, which caused the earth to shake upon which they stood;

And again, the angel said: Behold, the Lord hath heard the prayers of his people, and also the prayers of his servant, Alma, who is thy father; for he has prayed with much faith concerning thee that thou mightest be brought to the knowledge of the truth; therefore, for this purpose have I come to convince thee of the power and authority of God, that the prayers of his servants might be answered according to their faith.  (Mosiah 27:8-14)

The Lord loves us. He knows our strengths and our weaknesses. He knows our needs, and he is waiting to pour down blessings upon us. He will heal our damaged bodies, our broken hearts, our shattered souls.

Is it too much to ask?