Fractural Education: Part 3

Obviously, falling and breaking a hip is no one's idea of fun. But it hasn't been as bad as I expected, really. The surgery went well, and I have had very little pain. I am grateful to have good people around who can help me. My biggest complaint about the experience is pretty feeble, honestly, but here it is: I hated sitting around waiting for the darn bone to heal. I was bored, frustrated, and annoyed.

One day, as I pondered this situation, these words pushed their way into my head.

“They also serve who only sit and wait.”

I recognized the words as the last line of a poem, but it was one I had read years ago, and I didn't remember anything else about it. I found it, though (thank you, Google) and read it. This is a poem by John Milton, who was born in England in 1608. The poem was written around 1653. Of course, I understand that some of you may not be big fans of centuries-old poetry, but this one has a lot of truth in it.

On His Blindness

When I consider how my light is spent

Ere half my days in this dark world and wide,

And that one Talent which is death to hide

Lodged with me useless, though my soul more bent

To serve therewith my Maker, and present

My true account, lest He returning chide.

"Doth God exact day-labour, light denied?"

I fondly ask. But Patience, to prevent

That murmur, soon replies, "God doth not need

Either man's work or his own gifts. Who best

Bear his mild yoke, they serve him best. His state

Is kingly: thousands at his bidding speed,

And post o'er land and ocean without rest;

They also serve who only stand and wait."

No matter who you are, I don't think you can understand the poem's meaning with one read. But when I looked at it for the first time in years, one word stood out to me.

   Patience.

Now, for me to learn that I am not very patient would be no lesson at all. I have known since I was child that I am impatient.This deficit of patience shows itself in my life nearly every day. I don't like to wait in lines. I don't like to wait for appointments. I don't like to wait for mail, or wait on hold. The term “waiting room” sends shivers up my spine.

"I can skip this ad in how many seconds?!"

Maybe I have a Waiting Allergy. Or maybe I have ADD: Anticipating Dullness Disorder.

I'm always in a hurry for things to start, and I'm always in a hurry for everything to be over. If a recipe says something like “Stir constantly for 15 minutes,” I find a way to avoid that step. If you want to make me laugh, give me a recipe that ends with the words "Wait one hour before serving." Bwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

People have wondered why I feel like I have be in such a hurry all the time. I've heard it from friends: “Why are you walking so fast? I can hardly keep up!”

I hear it from my son Ben, who kindly gives me a ride when I need to get somewhere: “Mom, don't unbuckle your seat belt until I stop the car. Hey, we're still moving! Don't open the door!”

I've heard it from doctors, and nurses and teachers. The physical therapist who helped me strengthen my leg hung this note in my kitchen:

While I know that these people are concerned about my safety and my happiness, that never influenced me enough to make me bother to change. I knew that I was impatient, but I never felt it was a big deal. Just a little personality quirk that I've always had, like having brown eyes, or being left-handed. Nothing I needed to worry about or improve in.

But I was wrong.

After I read the poem, I was impressed to begin a study of the scriptures on the topic. I learned that patience is not a trivial asset, but a deep doctrinal truth; an important part of the gospel. Just a few examples:

· Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for him (Psalms 37:7).

· And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope (Romans 5:3 – 4).

· To them who by patient continuance in well doing seek for glory and honour and immortality, eternal life (Romans 2:7).

· For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise (Hebrews 10:36).

· My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. (James 1:2 – 5).

· John, who also am your brother, and companion in tribulation, and in the kingdom and patience of Jesus Christ, was in the isle that is called Patmos, for the word of God, and for the testimony of Jesus Christ. (Revelation 1:9)

· Here is the patience of the saints: here are they that keep the commandments of God, and the faith of Jesus. (Revelation 14:12)

· These things remain to overcome through patience, that such may receive a more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, otherwise, a greater condemnation. Amen. (Doctrine and Covenants 63:66)

· Ye are not able to abide the presence of God now, neither the ministering of angels; wherefore, continue in patience until ye are perfected. (Doctrine and Covenants 67:13)

See what I mean? Patience is huge! It's right up there with obedience and faith.

Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf shared this in the April 2010 General Conference:

"There is an important concept here: patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!"

I'm realizing that impatience is, at its root, a symptom of pride. It's a way of saying that my time is more important than others. I really don't feel that way, so why do I act that way?

Most important is that I realize how patient my Heavenly Father has always been with me – mercifully waiting for me to change, while I continue to be stubborn and erratic.

Clearly, this is an area where I need to improve. And I'm not sure how to do that.

Since 25 years spent raising seven energetic children and 10+ years dealing with cancer and associated health issues have not solved my problem with this virtue, it looks like I'll have to tackle it directly.

So I here declare my intention: I commit to try everyday to be more patient. It doesn't sound hard. I believe I can do it.

I hope it doesn't take too long.

"9 . . .8 . . .7. . ."

Fractural Education: Part Two

Lessons in Marriage

Wes and I had been dating for about a year, and it was becoming obvious to me that we were a perfect match. The issue was clear: we had so much in common! We were both the oldest children in large families, both our fathers were accountants, we both liked music and good books, and we both hated olives. And we both loved ice cream! What more could anyone ask?

I've had a little time to learn a few things since then. And now I know that an important element in making a marriage work is appreciating the differences – the things we don't have in common. We sometimes see things differently, or do things differently. Because we have different strengths and weaknesses, we make a good team.

For example, Wes is a morning person; I'm not at my best early in the day. So when things need to be done in the morning, he handles them, making lunches and signing permission slips and writing checks while I'm still groggy. I'm more likely to stay up and take care of a late-night issue. ("What? The science fair is tomorrow?" "You need to wear a Teddy Bear costume for the concert in the morning?")

He's often calm when I'm brooding, frustrated when I'm determined, serious when I'm silly, strong when I'm weak. When one of us runs out of ideas, the other has some fresh thoughts. Even our handedness – I'm left-handed, he's right-handed – can be a complementary asset when we're working together.

These helpful differences become more apparent – and more needed – when times are difficult.

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Marriage relationships are like a puzzle (in more ways than one). These two puzzle pieces look a lot alike. Some might say they are "made for each other."

                    And they do fit together nicely.

                 But when something comes along and shakes them up little,
                              they don't stay connected.

These puzzle pieces below, on the other hand. are different in color and in shape.

 

But their differences make them a good pair, with a stronger connection to survive life's bangs and bumps.

Sister Sheri Dew confirms this truth:

"Our Father knew exactly what He was doing when He created us. He made us enough alike to love each other, but enough different that we would need to unite our strengths and stewardships to create a whole. Neither man nor woman is perfect or complete without the other."

Honestly, you wouldn't want to be married to someone exactly like you – what would be the fun in that? It's wonderful to learn from each other, to grow with each other, to discover that your weaknesses are her strengths.

“Our differences are the little pinches of salt which can make the marriage seem sweeter.” (Elder James E. Faust)

Of course, you should absolutely marry someone who shares your core values, and whose feelings on important topics – faith, children, and money, for example – are similar to yours. But the fact that he wants a firm pillow, and you must have a soft one shouldn't be a deal-killer.

After 26+ years of marriage, I know all this. And I was so impressed by, and so grateful for, the way my dear husband took over the cooking and cleaning during the last two months, while I was mostly bedridden (and entirely pathetic). So, does it matter if he cleans differently than I do? Should I be concerned, even a bit annoyed, because he doesn't fold towels the same way I do? Or because he puts the cups in a different part of the dishwasher?

Or course not. Those things don't matter . . . (What? Why are you looking at me like that? What?)

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That's something I've learned, and will continue to learn. But I've also come to know that the best marriage advice, (and all good advice) comes from the scriptures. Here are some fabulous tips from a far better source than me.

• Rejoice evermore.
• Pray without ceasing.
• Quench not the Spirit.
• Hold fast that which is good.
• Abstain from all appearance of evil.
• Forbear one another, and forgive one another.
• A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.
• A gift in secret pacifieth anger. 

And of course . . .

        In every thing give thanks!

References: 
Sheri L. Dew, "It is Not Good For Man or Woman to be Alone," October 2001 Conference
Elder James E. Faust, "The Enriching of Marriage,"  October 1977 General Conference.