Brownie Recipe (sort of)

I have a streak of what I call "scientific curiosity." (I call it that in my mind because it sounds smart, but honestly, it's more like a small child thinking I wonder what will happen if I do that?) This immature thinking, combined with my lack of patience and my gift for procrastination, often leaves me improvising through life.  This is particularly true in my cooking. I use what I have, and I like to get things done in the most efficient way possible. But I always hope the things I make will taste really good.

A few days ago I made a pan of brownies to take to a get-together at my friend Sarah's house. They disappeared quickly, which was good. Sarah asked for the recipe, which would have been good if I had actually followed a recipe. "I'll e-mail it to you," I promised, then came home and and sat in front of the computer wondering what to do. At last I decided I would just describe the process I went through in making those brownies. So here we go:


Hi, Sarah! I'm glad you enjoyed the brownies and I'm happy to tell you how I made them. The following steps are important if you want to make them the way I did:

The night before you make the brownies, ask your husband if he has any caramels. Keep asking until he confesses that he has some locked up in the trunk of his car. Ask him to get them out for you.

In the morning when he gets them out, note that they are very hard and therefore impossible to chew. Listen while husband explains that he bought them on clearance some time ago. Kiss him good-bye and let him leave for work.

Spend several very boring minutes unwrapping caramels, trying to complete an online crossword puzzle while you do this. Wish your kids were home to help you. Instantly regret wishing that.

Melt the caramels in the microwave with a little milk and stir until they are smooth. Put in refrigerator. (Put them way in the back, under an open can of green beans. This is to avoid temptation.)

Cream together:

      1 cup butter, melted

      2 cups sugar

      2 tsp. vanilla

      4 eggs

Note that, so far, things are going well.

Get another bowl (I prefer to use one that will be easy to just wipe clean) and put flour into it. (You can use any amount of flour between one and two cups. The more flour you use, the cakier the brownies will be; when you use less flour they are denser and fudgier. I usually use 1½ cups, but for the ones I took to your house I used about 1⅓ cups.)

Pick up the container of cocoa powder from the kitchen shelf. Note that it is empty. Let out a roar of frustration. Resist temptation to quit and just eat the sugar and butter mixture straight out of the mixing bowl. Call neighbors to ask to borrow cocoa powder. Find that none of your close neighbors are home. Look outside at the snow and ice and recognize that you are not going to walk to a neighbor whose address is not "next door to Spencer's." Carefully reconsider eating sugar and butter mixture straight out of the mixing bowl.

Rest until children start coming home from school. Note that one of the children is not yours. Tell this child to go home and get some cocoa powder for you. Wait several hours, until the child remembers your request and tells his mother. When his mother calls and asks if you still need cocoa powder, look longingly into the mixing bowl before you decide to say yes. Wait for friend's child to bring cocoa powder.

Add ½ cup cocoa powder and ½ tsp salt to the flour. Stir the dry ingredients and combine them with the wet ingredients. Realize that although you preheated the oven four hours earlier, it is now off and cold. Turn it on again.

Cake and I have a long, complicated history

Put half the brownie batter in a 9x13 inch pan. Dig through the refrigerator for the caramel sauce (hint: it's under the green beans). Notice that the caramel has become rock hard again. Put the bowl in the microwave to soften the caramel and pour it on top of the brownie batter. Sprinkle chocolate chips (not the whole bag, obviously -- you're going to need something to eat while the brownies bake.) Pour the rest of the batter over the top and bake for thirty minutes.

Good luck! Enjoy!