Only once, in the fourteen years I have been dealing with cancer and its associated ills, have I wished and prayed to die. I had been very sick for months, and none of the doctors I had seen could tell me what was wrong with me.¹
One day, a friend stopped by to check on me and found me nearly debilitated and in great pain. She felt that I should see a neurologist immediately, and somehow managed to get me to her car.
The ride was excruciating. I curled up in a ball in the back seat of the car in agony. Every bump on the road, every beam of light through the windows brought on a fresh wave of pain and nausea. I felt that anything would be better than what I was experiencing, and I cried out in my heart to God, “Please take me, Father, please let me leave this body, please, please, let me come home!”
Obviously, my prayer was not answered. That was not the Lord's plan for me. And now I'm very glad that I did not get the rather selfish desire of my heart.
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This week, we celebrate the resurrection of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. It is a wondrous event to honor and a beautiful thing to ponder.It is not unusual at this time of year to read or hear a statement like this: “Christ was half-mortal and half-immortal. He didn't have to die. He willingly gave His life for us.” And of course, that's true.
But I believe that when we think this way, we might miss an important point: Christ, because of the immortality He inherited from His Father, could have chosen to die at any point along the tortuous path from Gethsemane to Calgary – or any time before. It is the fact that He chose to live as long as He did that makes for a more meaningful celebration. I suspect that dying was the easiest thing he ever did – and the option dangled alluringly before Him through some very rough territory. His suffering in the Garden was profoundly and infinitely agonizing – so much so that it astounded Him, and made Him recoil. But he held on.
And he was withdrawn from them about a stone's cast, and kneeled down, and prayed,
Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done. And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground. (Luke 22:41 – 44)
But if they would not repent they must suffer even as I; Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore, and to suffer both body and spirit—and would that I might not drink the bitter cup, and shrink— Nevertheless, glory be to the Father, and I partook and finished my preparations unto the children of men. (D&C 19:17 - 19)
Weakened and fatigued after His suffering there, the soldiers added to His agony:
Then the soldiers of the governor took Jesus into the common hall, and gathered unto him the whole band of soldiers.
And they stripped him, and put on him a scarlet robe.
And when they had platted a crown of thorns, they put it upon his head, and a reed in his right hand: and they bowed the knee before him, and mocked him, saying, Hail, King of the Jews! And they spit upon him, and took the reed, and smote him on the head.
(Matthew 27:27 - 30)
And the world, because of their iniquity, shall judge him to be a thing of naught; wherefore they scourge him, and he suffereth it; and they smite him, and he suffereth it. Yea, they spit upon him, and he suffereth it, because of his loving kindness and his long-suffering towards the children of men. (1 Nephi 19:9)
And they that passed by railed on him, wagging their heads, and saying, Ah, thou that destroyest the temple, and buildest it in three days, Save thyself, and come down from the cross. Likewise also the chief priests mocking said among themselves with the scribes, He saved others; himself he cannot save. (Mark 15:29 - 31)
Certainly He could have saved Himself. But He did not. He knew His mission on this earth was not yet complete.
After this, Jesus knowing that all things were now accomplished, that the scripture might be fulfilled, saith, I thirst. Now there was set a vessel full of vinegar: and they filled a sponge with vinegar, and put it upon hyssop, and put it to his mouth. When Jesus therefore had received the vinegar, he said, It is finished: and he bowed his head, and gave up the ghost. (John 19:28 – 30)
“It is Finished.”
“I did the work thou gavest me. Receive my Spirit unto Thee.” ²
As we appropriately celebrate his glorious resurrection, may we also remember the horrors of His final hours, and that it was His love for His Heavenly Father, and for all of us, that kept Him on the job until He knew He was finished.
Although my mortal pain and burdens cannot be compared to His, I only hope that I can have a small portion of His faith and courage – to hold on until I can humbly say, "I’ve done the work thou gavest me; Receive my spirit unto thee.”
¹ Several months later I learned the cause of these symptoms: my cancer had metastasized and formed a tumor in my brain.
² "Behold the Great Redeemer Die," Hymns of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 191. Text: Eliza R. Snow, Music: George Careless. See also the beautiful hymn "Reverently and Meekly Now," Hymns, 185
This video, from the LDS.org website, presents a moving depiction of the Savior's suffering.
