Three Little Words

I grew up in a large, energetic family. We enjoyed many fun activities and had good times together.

We also had some contention, teasing, and downright meanness. These episodes didn't usually last long, but they seemed to change the atmosphere of our home for a while.

It wasn't until I married Wes that I realized what the problem in my house had been.

In my family, we didn't apologize much. It seemed to me that the words "I'm Sorry" were used only at funeral viewings.

Wes, on the other hand, is terrific at apologizing. I learned from him that the tension after a disagreement or disappointment could be dispelled with a few words:

         “I'm so sorry.”

         “I was wrong.”

          “Please forgive me.” 

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“In most cases we are married for only a short time before we hurt our spouse’s feelings. Whether it is intentional, based on selfishness, or just inadvertent mistakes, we all end up doing things that create hurt in our spouse.

The remedy is pretty straightforward. We say, “I’m sorry.” We feel badly that we hurt our spouse, apologize, learn from the experience, and do our best not to make the same mistake again. We repent, and, assuming that the problem wasn’t too major, the issue is over.”¹

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I have learned that there is no Ctrl-Z key for relationships. It's not that easy.

       But it's not that hard, either.

“It's not over until somebody says “I'm sorry.”

This mindset of apology and forgiveness has been a vital influence in my never-ending quest to be a better parent. To seek out the offended child, and to say, "I'm really sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I'll try not to let it happen again. Will you please forgive me?" Besides clearing the air, and hopefully strengthening the relationship, this gives my children an example of repentance and a chance to practice forgiveness.

I have also learned that the modified half-apology: Well, I'm sorry, but you were being such an idiot! just isn't good enough. (Okay, so I'm still working on this one.)

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The scriptures contain some great examples of apologizing and forgiving.

Joseph of Egypt was sold as a slave by his envious older brothers. But when them again, years later, he forgave them – almost thanked them – for what they had done:

And Joseph said unto his brethren, Come near to me, I pray you.  And they came near.  And he said, I am Joseph your brother, whom ye sold into Egypt.Now therefore be not grieved, nor angry with yourselves, that ye sold me hither: for God did send me before you to preserve life.
And God sent me before you to preserve you a posterity in the earth, and to save your lives by a great deliverance. So now it was not you that sent me hither, but God . . . ²

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 Nephi was tied hand and foot and left to die by his older brothers, Laman and Lemuel, because they were tired of hearing him preach the truth to him.

They did bind me with cords, for they sought to take away my life,
that they might leave me in the wilderness to be devoured by wild beasts.

Nephi prayed for help, and his prayer was answered.

I prayed unto the Lord, saying: O Lord, according to my faith which is in thee,
 wilt thou deliver me from the hands of my brethren;
 yea, even give me strength  that I may burst these bands with which I am bound. 
And it came to pass that when I had said these words, behold, the bands were loosed from off my hands and feet,

Unfortunately, this made Nephi's brothers even more angry, and they tried again to capture him. 

And it came to pass that they were angry with me again, and sought to lay hands upon me; but behold, one of the daughters of Ishmael, yea, and also her mother, and one of the sons of Ishmael, did plead with my brethren, insomuch that they did soften their hearts; and they did cease striving to take away my life. 

And it came to pass that they were sorrowful, because of their wickedness, insomuch that they did bow down before me, and did plead with me that I would forgive them of the thing that they had done against me.

And it came to pass that I did frankly forgive them all that they had done, and I did exhort them that they would pray unto the Lord their God for forgiveness. And it came to pass that they did so. And after they had done praying unto the Lord we did again travel on our journey towards the tent of our father. ³

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Some wise words from Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf:
The way you treat your wife or children or parents or siblings may influence generations to come. What legacy do you want to leave your posterity? One of harshness, vengeance, anger, fear, or isolation? Or one of love, humility, forgiveness, compassion, spiritual growth, and unity?

Sincerely apologizing to your children, your wife, your family, or your friends is not a sign of weakness but of strength. Is being right more important than fostering an environment of nurturing, healing, and love?

Even when you are not at fault—perhaps especially when you are not at fault—let love conquer pride.

If you do this, whatever adversity you are facing will pass, and because of the love of God in your hearts, contention will fade. These principles of saving relationships apply to all of us, regardless of whether we are married, divorced, widowed, or single. We all can be saviors of strong families.⁴

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So, the next time you have some contention – or maybe just a misunderstanding – remember those three little words, and take it upon yourself to apologize.

     Apologize. Forgive. And Let it go.

                   The Savior gave  us  this assurance:

Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. 5

     We cannot find this promised peace while we are carrying memories of past wars.

Some of us are committed to working toward life with our families forever. Others hope to get a chance to do that. If you plan to be happy and free from strife in the future, why not start now?

. . . by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, without hypocrisy, and without guile— 6

This year, on Valentines Day, shower love and compassion and repentance on your family and neighbors – and then keep it up – the next day, and the day after that and the day after that, and the day after that . . .

That's how eternity is built – one day at a time.

             














Notes:

1. Richard B. Miller, Professor in the School of Family Life,  Repentance and Forgiveness in Marriage.  BYU Devotional, January 19, 2010

2. Genesis 45:4 - 8

3. 1 Nephi 7:16 - 21

4. In Praise of Those Who Save. Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf, April 2016 General Conference, Priesthood Session.

5.  John 14:27

6.  See Doctrine and Covenants 121:41 - 44)